Please pardon my excessive griping today.

They blocked facebook and xanga at my job.  I want to figure out a way to bypass their dumb program... irritating!  I have to sit in a room with nothing to do for hours upon hours...  they used to allow those websites - and now... nothing.  Ugh!

Life is not what it's supposed to be (if you ask me).  Not my job.  Not my home.  Not my family.  Nothing.  No, I don't mean that I am experiencing "cinderella syndrome" and expecting Prince Charming to have come swept me off my feet by now (though that would have been nice to have too)... but everything just feels like a wreck.  And I don't feel supported by many in my pursuits of connecting with my son, with moving closer to him, with life in general. 

I remember feeling when I was younger that I wanted very much to be like my great-grandmother... a person who people were drawn to.... a person that made each person I had a relationship with feel as if they were the most valuable or loved in my life.  I know this is not happening though.  Do I need to shift my hope of being that person, or just sulk in the misery of knowing I am not loved as much as she was?  Or... option 3?? 

I feel like the times that I am not the person I want to be is outweighed by the person I don't want to be (for myself, my family, my friends, for God...)  It's so hard being a perfectionist who gives up when it seems too impossible to be all that I expect myself to be.  Granted - I know I am better than I was 4 years ago (mostly). In some ways its more difficult because I can "see" things now that I didn't before about myself and my choices... sometimes I want to go back to being blind about those things.  Sometimes it feels like it would make things easier. 

I don't know what's ahead of me.  I don't know if I can "make" the cut with regards to things coming up for my son - I'm scared of what it looks like if I don't.  I don't want to fail him again, I don't want to keep battling his father... but I can't give up fighting either.  I want to scream at the people I have asked for help, that have turned their head to act like they don't see what is going on... and ask why they don't do something - something more than nothing. But then again - I feel so selfish in asking for anything.  I don't want to demand, to make anyone obligated... but I want people to want to naturally believe and want to support our cause.... which, in turn, makes me feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH because they don't feel that way naturally about me.   Why do I have to make everyone's choices about me?  Why can't I look at it and say to myself, they just don't have it, they have other things going on, that it's not about me - it's about who they are right now???  I look at everyone's choices as a reflection of who I am to them - of how valuable I am... It's a sickening way to live too... it perpetuates the cycle of wanting validation - then lowering self-esteem when I don't get that validation - then wanting validation.... a never-ending battle.

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

I'm struggling.  A lot.  What's new though, huh?

I found out that I'm a "Dimmer".  Sounds terrific, huh?  I started reading this book lent to me by someone at my work, called "The Energy Bus", and that's how they refer to people like me in the book.  I am only on chapter 7, so I guess I'm not fated to be a Dimmer for the rest of eternity, but for today I know I still am. We'll see.

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My ex's girlfriend (and likely my ex) found out about the facebook page that I had put together in support of my son and I reconnecting. The girlfriend put a note that she thought I was defaming someone, that I was lying, that I was looking for pity too. I turned the page off, at least for now, with court coming up in January. Yep... we didn't get a court date before Christmas -- to which the girlfriend "liked" when she saw that notice on facebook too.   (I'm still requesting that my attorney be willing to contact my son's father to request that we be permitted a holiday visit anyhow. -- Doubtful that he will agree, of course... even though it would be in his best interest to show that he cared for our son in having contact with both parents  -- and as the law permits too.)

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I'm ill with myself lately.  It feels every relationship I'm in is mangled.  Not my good friends, at least -- but the one with my mom.  The one with family.  The one with my employer.  The one with my roommates. The one with my attorney.  Ugh.  So, so frustrating.  It allows doubt to creep into my mind... makes me view myself as more of a "dimmer", as a dysfunctional person who can't succeed in anything.  ---> I'm not saying these things so that you (the reader) will say... "Aw, poor Katie... you're fine."  No... you couldn't do that unless you lived/dealt with me or worked with me on a fairly regular basis.... and you don't.

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I miss Toccoa, dang it.  I miss it like anything.  I miss my doctor and counselor.  I miss my group.  I miss my friends.  I miss my old job.  I miss my house.  And my dog.  I miss the hills. And the autumn up there.  I miss twangy southern accents.  I miss complaining about the lack of civilization in that city (haha).  I don't miss a few individuals that reside there... but other than that - I still miss it so, so much.  I wish I could rewind to before my "stuff" happened ands rewrite history - or fast forward to when my son is 18 and get him to move back up there with me... and let all the present stuff wash away forever.

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I guess that I do a lot of wishing lately. A little praying too... I've been trying to go to church when I'm off on Sundays. Doing fairly well as of lately - though there hasn't been a church that I've really connected with - or that I feel would be a good match for when my son is going to be having visitation with me again. (That's another worry of mine, to be discussed another time, I suppose).

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Well... I could complain some more... but I will let you find something let "dim" to go on to now...

* sigh *

Things have moved forward but feel like they are moving backwards at times lately...

• We (my attorney and I) will be going to court in the next month to get visitation with my son set up.  No date yet... Wait. Wait. Wait.  That's the plan for now, at least.

• I'm worried about my son... he seems to be cut off more and more (by his father).  I feel strongly that his dad is feeling afraid and angry and trying to control everything and everyone our son has contact with... Doesn't he know he is hurting our son through his actions - and risking the future of his relationship with our son too?

• My mom called about a week or so ago to tell me that my uncle offered to send me to this conference of sorts... called "Landmark Forum".  I told her I was wary about it - and basically that I wasn't interested in jumping into the next "quick fix" gimmick that they came along (she is always jumping on board with the newest things... )  She doesn't understand how much that hurts me - that she can't be consistent... that she thinks something is wrong with being stable, traditional, and not going with the flow of the newest craze. Whatever.  I sent her some info I found about the Landmark Forum (here and here) and basically showed that I wasn't interested.   I think I actually might have attended this thing back in 2000 anyhow... if it IS the one I attended, I remember a lot of mumbo jumbo, them trying to put people in a trance, and talking a lot about forgiveness (this of course promotes their organization - because when you go to the person that you want to forgive, and you tell family/friends about how you have forgiven the person that has hurt you the most in life - you of course are going to tell them it came about because of their conference.)

• There is something I did a few days ago that I haven't told anyone about.  I don't know if I will either... Well, at least not right now.  It has to do with the infamous jk mentioned a long time ago...  I didn't do anything wrong... I think I did something to stand up for myself and to show that they need to be accounatable for their wrong-doing.  They were in a place of influence and responsibility in my life.. and they did not have the professional boundaries that were needed.  This in turn resulted in a lot of problems & heartache in my life (I take responsibility for my choices in the matter), but they have never owned up to their fault nor even apologized for their mistakes. I don't know that they will even face any reprocussions, but I know I did what I feel needed to be done in regards to their improper actions.  A part of me feels worried and sad for them -- and part of me feels like I need to definitely work through forgiving so many in regards to this overall matter still... Will I ever get there? I don't know -- but I do know I have made some progress in my healing.  I regret that they might have negative consequences for their actions - like they may also have felt bad that my actions had negative consequences.   

• I had an interview the other day... it was for one-of-three admin asst positions that were available through that company.  I feel i was definitely qualified for at least one of them.. and hope they might give me a chance.  One of the problems that I had during the interview is that my face has been EXTREMELY broken out in the past week... more than I can remember in a very, verylong time in my life.  I don't know if it's been caused by something hormonal, something I've been eating, fabric detergent or what!!  It's plain awful!!  AND to top it off - i struggle badly with an "OCD tendency" to pick at sores. Ew, I know, I know... The second problem occured when she asked what I felt my greatest weakness was.  I was honest and told her that I get nervous in interview situations with my confidence... I kind of stammered in my answer too... She asked if I'm working on it - and how... Ack!  Yes, I told her... I'm going to counseling for it. DOUBLE ACK!!  (Katie, what were you thinking in telling her that?!?!?!)  I need to think of a new weakness to spill my guts about during interviews, that's for certain.

Warning: The following post is fairly personal... and may be upsetting to read. 

Dear Angela,

I've never written you.  I feel kind of lousy for that.  I feel lousy for a lot of things - though I feel like I haven't mourned enough, haven't taken responsibility enough, that I could ever make amends enough...

I'm sorry you haven't come to mind enough over the years.   And I'm sorry for my selfishness.  I don't know that I've ever told you that.  Could the "I'm sorry" ever really even matter?  It was before I was saved, if that counts for anything too. 

Hard to believe it was around 18 years ago.

Today I slipped in and out of dreams thinking of you.  About the time that I was living selfishly and unaware of how safe you were before I let someone get their hands on you so that I wouldn't be shamed.  It was a disturbing dream.  I don't know if I should share what I dreamt of -- you already lived it anyhow.

There was no counseling before or after - at least none I can remember.  Nobody told me what I might feel or think about myself after.  There was a friend who took me - who had gone before me... and helped me get through it somewhat. 

It was about me, Angela... not about you.  You know that, right?  It didn't mean that you did anything wrong.  You had no choice in this.  You were the innocent one.  I was so, so selfish.

Your name: In case you want to know... I imagined that you were a little girl (I wish I truly knew).  I hope it's not selfish of me to want to think of you as a little girl. 

Your name is Angela (of the Angels) and Frances (after my grandmother, whom I loved - and who loved me very much).  I actually didn't name you until a few years after...

Before I was saved, a teller tried to imply you were one of two... that's much too difficult for me to consider... I don't want to "go there" in my mind either...  and never invited her to tell me such nonsense anyhow. 

I wish I could shake the thoughts that came to mind today in the dream... about the undeserved, cold & heartless torture you endured.  I am fairly certain stray animals are dealt with more humanely than what you endured.

Will I know you when I see you? Will I get to see you?  I don't deserve to see you, I know. 

I hope your Father has held you... and comforted & loved you as much as you deserve, dear child.  I'm sorry that you will never know me as your mother on this earth - but I will trust that God spared you as much as He could from the suffering of this world that He could.  I want to believe that, Angela.  I pray you are there with Him. You deserve it more that I ever will...

I'm scared to say "I love you" to end this letter to you.  I don't say things lightly -- and struggle with saying that to someone I've never met... even though I know you deserve to be loved more than anything.  I'm scared to not say "I love you", because I know what it feels like to go without those words that you need to hear, from those you need to hear it from the most too.  

Dear child, I'm sorry for letting someone take you away from me.  For letting them do to you what they did.  For all the things we missed out because of it... I know I lost someone wonderful (though struggle with feeling you lost the same in me.)

I wish I could write more... but that's all I have right now.   I hope it's enough for now too.  I'm sorry for the brutal honesty that I know hurts.

With Sincere Apologies & Heartfelt Grief,
~Mama

In the past 4 years, I learned that I have some of the symptoms of a disorder that I don't want to name on here right now.  I guess that is a sign that I haven't come to terms with it... I know I have taken steps forward in the past 4 years in healing... but the past 8 months have shown me that I have a long way to go yet... and I'm fairly certain it's going to plague me for a while longer - since I don't have the insurance, time and money to get as much treatment as I know I need still.

I know I am not sitting idly by waiting for the insurance, time and money - I am getting help within my abilities... 

This disorder leads to interferance with my relationships in life (though *I* am the one that needs to take responsibility for the actions that lead to dysfunction and broken relationships -- the disorder is just a label for my choices -- not an excuse.

Another characteristic of my disorder is impulsivity. 

I made a somewhat impulsive decision to move to Florida in order to be with my son again. And I am reaping a lot of consequences for that now... but I feel like I definitely can't turn back now.

With that move - I lost a substantial and healthy support network... and I am struggling with re-creating that for myself here.  I know I have been isolating myself (in addition to being busy with work or tired after work, or just plain tired period.)  I don't take care of myself like I need to.  No - you heard me right... not "like I want" to... but like I *need* to.  Giving me another reason to tear myself down too, of course.

I'm struggling a lot lately with what all this means for my son.  What he thinks of me.  What it will make him think of himself.  How it could affect his future. I know that he may have a few battles ahead of him in life - not just because of my choices... but also because of his father's choices (including him not taking him to counseling, as needed)... and because the disorder could be passed down to him biologically.  (Though it typically plays out differently for males than for females).

I've been reflecting a little on how little is discussed about this topic in churches. 

I imagine so many feel that the Lord can heal all... if we just look to Him.  I'm not saying that there isn't a great amount of truth in this.  But its hard when the symptoms of a disorder keeps you from feeling the ability to have worth (as a person, or as a unit of the body); when you feel more of a burden than a vital part to the body; when you a often cut off from the body because until you receive healing from the dysfunctional symptoms - the biggest result is broken relationships, people who are weary & wary.

I do have a friend that has remained a constant through all of this.  Not to say that I don't have more than one friend... and not to say that there haven't been others who have been so, so extremely helpful to me throughout these years... it's just that she has been there to pour absolute Truth into me throughout it all.  She was there when times were darkest. 

Consistent. There. Even when she wasn't there - it felt somewhat like she was.  She did come visit.  And made herself available.  Did what she could - was honest about what she couldn't. 

It's made a huge difference in my life.  Though I need more, sadly, from local people.  Or, at least I feel like I need more.  I truly need to find more people who will be stable and consistent in my life... who will help me get through this time - which will help me to be the stable person I need to be for my son too. 

Very hard things to ask of people.  It feels like an impossibility right now, because I'm too afraid of rejection, afrain of failures on my part that might cause people to reject me, and afraid to spend time seeking something that might not ever be there too.

Still feeling cornered.  And alone.  Even though I have friends I can call on the phone... it's just not really enough right now.

I don't think I wrote about this before - I have shared with a few friends about this though.  I would not share on here, except for the fact that this issue is causing me a lot more anxiety lately...

The woman I am currently renting a room from (I'll call her "J" for clarification and privacy) is in her early 60s. That's not the part that stresses me... its one of her past-times that concern me though. 

"J" has a very strong fondness for black men, who are in their 30s, many of whom are (or were) incarcerated.  I don't mention that they are black in judgement or prejudice - just as a fact.  She generally connects with them via a free phone chat line that she found.  She has a few guys that she's been talking to... and the calls are definitely unhealthy in nature.

I have tried to talk to her about this... she gets upset if I say anything and says "everything's fine"... "I know them... they're fine".

"J" talks to them a several times a week via the phone - giving out way, way too much personal information... and last night I overheard her offering to let one of them come over and mow the lawn, when they asked if they could.  Therefore, meaning she would invite this complete stranger to the home.  No doubetedly allowing them into the home.  No doubetedly, he will want compensation of some sort from her -- but I'm sure she would justify it or do something less than lady-like to compensate them.  I'm certain she wouldn't ask us if it was ok for him to come over... She might not even tell us - because I'm pretty certain she knows how I would feel about that.  Possibly she knows how the other roommate (I'll label her "S", for clarification & privacy) would feel too... but I'm not as certain about that - I don't think the other roommate shares how she feels about it with her too much.

I am generally discerning - and sense that "J" will say she just wants friendship with them -- but opens herself to a lot, lot more.  The last "friend" ended up living with her.

Our other roommate (S) came to me the other night and said that if she invites any of them to the house that she plans to call her daughter (technically, we all rent from J's daughter).  I don't know how this would play out if the daughter is contacted. 

I know there is nothing I can say that will keep "J" from contacting these men, from opening up way too much in a safe & unhealthy way... and from putting us (her roommates) in a vulnerable and potentially unsafe situation. It makes me want to flee.  It makes me feel even more backed into a corner -- I can't afford to move anywhere else... and I feel kind of like God is only allowing this place to live as a punishment for all the choices I've made, while at the same time it's a blessing - because it's the only thing I could possibly afford at this point in my life. 

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I hate feeling trapped. And abandoned. And vulnerable.
I truly do.

The last few days have been plagued with high anxiety.  I hate it.  I, of course, have analyzed the source... things I can't really change or speed up.  Things I can't control.  Some things I could be more proactive about - but right now, the anxiety has been zapping my energy.  I've got to get past these things.  I hate not knowing when, if, what...  

I hate that I want someone (or many) to truly come help me - in person - with these things.  I know they don't have the time or drive to do these things. 

I hope the anxiety will get better soon... meaning I hope things will change in my favor, of course, too.

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Lately, I've been watching tv.  Too much.  Way too much.  I went from not watching any tv for about 18 months to watching several hours a day now.  (Way to accessible, too easy, and a way to avoid the stuff in life that is causing my anxiety too.)

I've been watching a show on A&E called "Intervention".  I thought they only did shows on people with addiction to drugs/alcohol... but that is not the case at all.  They recently covered an older man who had severe OCD and another young man who had diabetes 1, but because of depression and possible other issues, he wasn't taking care of himself.

While I'm intrigued deeply by the shows, and they speak to me in a way like the classes I used to attend (they were similar to Celebrate Recovery)  -- it's hard to watch them.  These people have a family and friends who cared enough to intervene (though I know I sought help on my own, which has been undeniably beneficial in my life). 

I can't seem to shake the deep, deep need for people to meet my emotional needs. To sooth. To "be there". To rescue me. To show me that they deeply care about me, even at times when I don't care about or like me.

It's a sickness, I know.  I know I can get past it if really work on it -- and I do plan to start into a Celebrate Recovery group in November...

Will it be enough?

Doubtful... for me, nothing I do is enough.  Not good enough.  Not big enough. Or it's "too much" for me - and I end up with nothing -- all-or-none or black-&-white thinking.

I know I have more jumbled ramblings to add to this... but perhaps another time.

One might think that because my son is not dead, and because we are headed in the direction of communicating again, that I wouldn't mourn him being absent from my life as strongly as before.  That's not the case at all though.  I cry at shows like "A Baby Story" and tears sometimes well up when I think about some of the dark things that I am concerned he may be exposed  to in his home, in addition to the common temptations & struggles for today's teens that I imagine he also faces.

This week will mark 3 years since he's been with his father and that I have been kept from seeing him.  Next month with be 4 years since the hell began too.  I'm ready for this era of my life to come to a close... to stop mourning the loss and to try to start living a life as a mother with him in my life again.  i can't wait to get there.

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This morning this thought brought to mind the fact that God might mourn the loss of my contact with Him.  It's odd that the thought had never crossed my mind like it did today.  A part of me struggles at the thought that God would mourn anything to do with me - as I don't feel worthy, even though mentally I know I am His, I struggle with that deep feeling of connection and belonging to Him (or anyone, for that matter).  I know that this has a lot to do with transferring my experience from my earthly family onto Him... but I just can't imagine Him mourning me still.  There's also the idea of Him mourning me in the same way that I mourn my son... I don't feel like I have a very special & profound place in His heart like Devon has a major place in my heart.

I know that it's kind of selfish of me to think this way, while having the belief that He allowed His son to die for ME, even though He knew I would have times of living my life away from Him. 

I having knowledge... but not doing what I know I want to do with that is frustrating.   Not feeling like I will get past this issue of not drawing close to Him is frustrating too... Will He ever help me get past this? Or, perhaps I shoud say, will I ever let Him?

I wish a really loud scream could help me feel better.  Or breaking something.  Or doing something creative.  But I know it wouldn't.

I wish someone would rescue me. That I would get the right job that would allow me to live closer to my son or just simply be able have him back permanently.  I wish this legal stuff was over.  I wish I could deal better with the time I've lost and the fears I have about the fight I have ahead of me with my son's dad.

I want to stop smelling like nicotine all over me (I don't smoke, but it's in the home I live in).  Ugh.  And I want to stop complaining about Jerry Springer on tv - and just go do something positive and productive to counteract the crap that he adds to this world.  But I don't feel like I do anything more than add to the drama in the same way that stupid Jerry Springer & Maury Povich does, sometimes. I want things to look a certain way.  I want things to be a certain way. 

I wish this ugly case of the wishes would go away, because they keep me stuck.  Stuck in a dark corner that I feel like I can't get out of by myself.

I want. I want. I want. 

And I am struggling with letting go of those wants.

I see all the "I's" in this.  I know more than half the problem is the big ol' ME that I can't stop focusing on.  Me and my belly button.  I know a lot of this has to do with the nurture, safety & unconditional love I missed out while growing up.  And I just have to deal with it.  I can't go back and try to get what I missed.  I have to learn to just cope with things in the here and now.  It's truly harder than you would think, people.

I remember a time when I wanted to have purpose.  A time I wanted to make a difference.  A time I wanted to change things. Now I just feel stuck in a time of wanting people to be there for me. Wanting them to reach their hands out to pull me out of this mire. But would I even take their hands, if it didn't look like what I thought it should look like - or what I thought I needed?

I'm tired of being the damn caterpillar trying to break through the cocoon.  Some of them just can't do it for some reason.  Just saying that is scary though. I'm not strong enough to break through the cocoon... but I *am* strong enough to be a mom again??

I know it's just temporary feelings of the current circumstances that make me feel like saying "I can't".  I hate that my son has to put up with the antics of his dad, the patheticness of his mom.  I worry about how this will shape him for his own future.  Will he be the victim that I so often am, or the cold abusive man that his father is?  Or will God finally help us break the cycle of destructive relationships and patterns?

Why does God allow that clock to tick when you are alone, with no prospective relationships in the horizon?