A few updates...

This weekend I was asked to have coffee by an old friend.  I've known him for almost 20 years (a fact we discussed), but we hadn't seen each other probably since 1995 or 96.  I think we did run into each other in a parking lot though some years after that. He and I had an "almost" relationship for about a week, I think. It was not the healthiest of things, though nothing terrible happened.  I was rejected and didn't want him to reject me...

He and I had talked on the phone a few times in the past year, in depth, and very personal on his part... I'm a sucker for people who are "real"... I did get the opportunity to tell him, kind of, that I was heavier.  That I was a bit self-destructive with myself because it created a "safety" for me with people [so I couldn't allow myself to be used as an object any more].  He had asked me to get together with him before this weekend, but I turned the invite down because I was too scared of the rejection I knew he would give me. 

So anyhow... back to this weekend. 

I said yes to meeting with him this time -- I don't know if it was more about "let's get it over with and done" or taking a chance at something different (if you want something different, you have to do something different). 

Hope can be a dangerous thing for me. 

I know I look a LOT different than the last time he saw me.  About 100 pounds different (sadly, not 100 pounds lighter). 

The time together was decent enough - we talked a little about everything -- old times, old friends, some of the stuff we talked about on the phone, some of his dreams for the future.  He did invite me to come to a "house church" that he was having during the week in his apartment too.  I told him I would pray about it.

He didn't bring up the weight issue during the time we met.  That's a sign... when you can't be open enough to talk about something - then it's an issue. Right? 

I don't know if I should accept the invitation to go to the house church (kind of a study, from way he explained it, in my opinion).  I worry that my motives wouldn't be about God, that my feelings might get hurt too. But there's this thought that keeps ringing in the back of my mind... if you want something different, you have to do something different.

Hope can be a dangerous thing for me. 

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In related news... I have the opportunity to go to  gym (paid in full), BUT...

There's that BIG BUT (aka excuses!). 

• But I'm needing someone to go with me consistently a few times a week.
• And I'm afraid of the pain that is to come.  
• And I'm afraid of the lack of results (wanting immediate results, I suppose).  
• And I'm afraid of being inconsistent & not living up to the expectations that I have (and the imaginary expectations of the person who is willing to pay for the gym for me -- they didn't say or imply there are any strings attached).

Please pray (if you would) that I can overcome the fears, worries, co-dependent need and any other struggles that are keeping me from doing what I need to do for my life.

Who knew that getting a flat tire would get me so riled up? 

On my way to work this morning, I got a flat... so I called work to let them know.  Did they ask if I was okay? NO.  Did they offer help?  NO. 

There's a huge difference between where I live now (I think) from where I lived in Georgia before... people would have been sure to at least ask me to tell them when I was situated, and some would have offered assistance if they could.  Not here... they just wanted to make sure I had called my manager to see if she could come in and/or to let her know I was running late... so that people could have their flipping coffee.

Really?  I'm sure the funeral home is going to shut down without someone to make coffee (and, yes, saying that makes me feel even less significant and un-needed in my present job).

Anyhow... so, while I was waiting for my friend, I kind of vented about my job not caring... and a "friend" added the following:  

Why did her response tick me off further (the last part about the people at my job)??  Did I ask for help to become more optimistic too, btw?  Why can't fellow Christians just let you feel what you feel - and let God do the work in changing your outlook and emotions?  Why are they SO uncomfortable with anything remotely negative?

Wouldn't that friend be surprised to know, by the way, that the "friend with a soul so beautiful" wasn't even a Christian?!

Anyhow...Three hours later, I was finally back on the road... I was about 5 minutes from work, and I get a call from my job.  "Have you called your boss yet?"

I wanted to scream!! 

Why, yes, I DID call my boss 3 hours ago... I called the boss who
1) doesn't answer her cell phone (especially on weekends) and
2) has openly said she absolutely will not work weekends.  

And, still, no bother to ask if I was okay.

I'm not PMS'ing... but something is certainly making my anger come to boil a lot easier lately.

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Edited addition:

My friend read what i wrote and emailed me this... it made me cry (in a good way) - I wanted to share it.

Hey Katie,
Goodness girl, I think you're on the verge of an emotional explosion. Well, you've been on the verge, but to give you credit, you've held it together: kept your job that you don't like and stayed with difficult roommates until the situation absolutely had to change. You've made it down here for over a year, and I know you haven't liked it for the most part. You haven't met your goal yet, but you're still moving toward it...though discouraged by your circumstances...and now here you are, frustrated as ever.

Since I have known you, the theme of what you tell me (most often), in action, verbally, & in your tone says, "I don't trust people and I don't trust God."  Though, you openly acknowledge that you want to trust both people and God...but the mixed messages you keep get and dealing with your own emotional baggage seem to make it nearly impossible for you to overcome this mistrust problem.

Christians say things well meaning to try and make you "look on the bright side," but I think it's okay to look at a situation sometimes and acknowledge that you do not see a bright side. Here is my caveat to that statement, though: There may be no bright side that you see, but a solid Christian foundationally believes that God is still good and to be trusted...just like Job demonstrated when everything was taken from him (health, family, possessions, etc)....however, note he was not making statements about how the sun was still shining and the birds were still singing...but he did choose not to curse God or forfeit his faith in Him. That things will work out as God see's fit is another safe place to stand as a Christian...however, it's controlling to try and end that thought with: "and that which is fit is such and such (whatever you see as ultimately fit for the situation to be resolved)." You may have ideas about what you'd like to happen. I do. I share those ideas with God because they represent the desires of my heart, but then I end my thoughts by acknowledging that I still desire God's will over mine...whatever that is. It may be that His will is the same as mine, but the timing is different...or it may be otherwise. Time and faithfulness reveals that to us.

Now, if what I'm saying is still aggravating the stew out of you, I'd say you're dealing with a stronghold in the form of a rebellious spirit. Some sins we deal with are kind of creeping up on us, not necessarily a stronghold though...and some we give into repeatedly and I think those become a stronghold....In those cases I would think that it takes humility, prayer, a decision to agree with God's Word, and help from others to break the bondage. I think you have some deeply rooted bondages in your life, Katie. I think that's why you feel enslaved to defeat and failure....I think that's why you are so afraid to try...whether that be try to lose weight, try to trust God, try to trust people, try to make a change, believe you can be who you want to be, and so forth....You try to make small changes, but the idea of defeat keeps you from being successful. You have made small successes and small steps in the right direction. Sometimes you make big decisions, but not always with confidence.  It's okay to make big decisions and be a little reserved, but I think it sometimes terrifies you when you've made a decision that you just might fail at, and you freeze.

Katie, what I really think you need is an intervention. I think you think you need that, too...but you're looking to someone else to make it for you....like Ellen, who is a nice enough woman, but she herself is lost without God. The blind will not ultimately lead the blind to the truth.  I think sometimes you are looking to non-Christians for help because you're so frustrated with Christians who give you advice and answers that just don't seem to work for you....but ultimately your choices lie with you. I hope you will realize how absolutely essential that concept is. Perhaps some sound Biblical advice would help your situation if you would choose to take it with confidence. However, you often hesitate to move because you'd much rather someone come along and give you what you want and need. I think that is because in so many ways you have been deprived of that kind of love in your life. I think you need that kind of love. However, right now, your future will lie in the choices you make. Christians should offer that love, and extend grace & mercy...if they don't though, our choices & decisions are still upon us to give an accounting for. This is a hostile world where real love is not often found in it's purest form. Only God promises that He can give you that...but you won't be able to receive it with a hardened heart toward Him or with expectations that He owes you something. He's already given you, and everybody else, something they don't deserve...and a majority of people reject it because they have hardened hearts which prevent them from hearing, seeing, and having understanding of what God has done for all of us.

I hope these thoughts are helpful, Katie. It is my hope that I extend the love of Christ and the truth of God's Word to you. I also hope you consider me a good friend, as I am continually trying to be that to you.

Sincerely,
(Katie's friend, name undisclosed)

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I'm thankful to have a friend like her to help me see some insight to the things I say, think & do.

So much on my mind that I feel like it's going to pop.. and if I don't write it down on a notepad & in my blog soon, i know I will forget most of it or let it overwhelm me.

I think I mentioned that my uncle was going to help me get a very (very) short vocational certificate - or something of the likes - so I could use it to become more valuable, employable, etc... well, I made a poor choice. BUT, thankfully, I was able to receive a 100% refund - and my uncle was understanding, even if they hadn't given me the refund.  I am grateful to both him and the people who gave the refund.  Extremely, extremely thankful. 

But I'm left with a decision as to what to do now.

I made a list... a list based on my personality & needs.  It came down to 5 things that I know I truly need in a job/career:

1. Stability.  Something that is consistent in a weekly schedule, unlikely to get cut due to budgets and benefits would be a nice bonus too...
2. Helping others (or something non-profit, where I get to work for an organization that helps others)
3. Opportunities for creativity & some diversity in my job duties. 
4. Financial stability.
5. Ability to spend time with my son (weekends, etc).

So, that's my list of necessities... now to make a decision based on that list.  The first thing that comes to mind is ESOL (teaching english as a second language).  But that won't work, sadly.   At least not right now... You have to have a bachelor's degree, at minimum, to teach ESOL in the US to adults.   I only have my AA degree.  Sadly, I defaulted on my student loans and have to enter into a repayment plan for about a year in order to get back on good terms with them, so that I can go back to school.  * sigh *  I feel so foolish that I missed submitting some simple paperwork in order to get deferred -- and feel frustrated that they won't consider my current income to allow me to go back into deferment (so that I can go back to school & work on becoming financially capable of paying down my student loans.)  As of right now I'm in a "limbo" status with them right now - having to pay them $20/month - which isn't paying down any of my loan and isn't a part of the 1-year repayment agreement!  Grrr. 

Perhaps I should try looking into scholarships -- but I don't feel too likely to get enough to pay for a semester of school (most aim towards high school seniors, and definitely aim towards the high achievers... which I am not, sad to say). 

Yesterday, I made an "application" to go onto The Ellen Show. 

Yes, i know that's odd & random me... but I thought if, by chance, she was to pick me - that it would be almost like winning the lottery - helping me go back to school, perhaps helping me find employment (maybe even have the opportunity to live near my son!!), and the likes.  If I was to get picked, I would be so so so happy (nervous as heck that I would have to be on TV... but i would suck it up and get over that, for the opportunities that it would provide for my son and myself.)

No... I don't trust God to provide these things.  I trust Ellen Degenerous more than I trust God. 

There. I said it.  I feel lousy saying it.  I hate it... but it's real thoughts.  It's where I'm at.  I feel like God wants me to struggle, to ensure hardship (for the greater good)... and I know he's not about making things easy like that too.  But i know I want what I want.  And I want security and my son.  And I have been working to try to make these things happen (struggling every day) and it feels like He doesn't things move & happen.  Which leads me to think He doesn't have faith in me... that He knows that I would/will fail Him (so I'm not worthwhile).

Yes... these are the dark, twisted thoughts of Katie -- even if they are misconstrued and wrong... it's the true confessions of a pessimistic, over-thinker, over-analyzer that I am.

  Did I mention that I got flashed by

  a 57 year old woman this week?  It

  wasn't funny.  

  Lord, please let me keep my sanity in

  the coming weeks - and as I age.

  The end.

i had a nice blog written out - and clicked to close the tab by mistake.  I'm not writing again.  Ugh!!!!

Anyhow - here's the basics of what I had written:

• experiencing gray days
• mad at myself
• an interesting bit I found online about self-loathing (which I typically do): 

Henry Wright, who I consider highly knowledgeable and gifted in the area of physical and emotional healing, considers anti-self (self-unforgiveness, self-resentment, self-hate, self-rejection, etc.) issues as one of the major sources of many physical and mental health problems. Lupus for example, is a condition where the body's white corpuscles turn and attack living tissue in the person's body as a result of the person attacking themselves spiritually through extreme self-hated, self-bitterness, and self-rejection. In Henry Wright's book A More Excellent Way, he writes the following concerning Lupus, Crohn's, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, and MS:

"The body attacks they body because the person is attacking themselves spiritually in self-rejection, self-hatred, and self-bitterness. There is a spiritual dynamic that comes in which the white corpuscles are invisibly redirected to attack living tissue while ignoring the true enemy which is bacteria and viruses."

(A More Excellent Way, page 161)

This was found here: http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/anti-self_bondages.php 

Anyhow...

Door 1... it is ominous.  It has so many shadows - you don't really even know what it looks like, even up-close.  You don't know if it will hurt you to open it or to go through it.  You don't know what lies beyond, if it will take you to a place that is two steps back or to a place that will hurt you again with the past or with new misfortunes.  Most will not approach the door because it is simply too scary.

Door 2... is frozen.  Just looking at it will freeze you on the spot.  Touching it, is too scary for most. Some only can touch it, but they become frozen in time before the door opens - hit with memories of the past or the "what ifs" of the future.  What lies beyond that door is too much to handle and those who are not still frozen in fear will certainly back away from entering.

Door 3... takes a badge of courage to enter.  The badge is not easy to find, yet once found, you will wonder why you did not find it before.  The door looks impossible to pass, deadly even... yet, once you have the badge you will ignore those impossibilities and simply try and - the door will open... it will reveal a world you didn't know existed, give you potential you didn't know you had, and present even more doors in your life too.

I would like a new purse.  I would like it to be black.  Made of some sort of material that won't get dirty very easy.  I would like it to have a black quilted pattern (similar to one that I have seen made by Vera Bradley, I think).  I would like it to have long straps - perhaps similar to a messenger bag.  I don't know that it would look as good as it looks in my mind.  I want it big enough to carry my new journal that I am hopeful that I will journal in regularly nowadays.  I would like it to be a part of organizing my life too (a black magic bag?! ha!).  Oh, and I would like for it to cost less than $30 too.

The End.

FINALLY completed the goal of collecting the funds needed for a new, low-fee attorney.  Praying it won't go awry.  I'm so nervous about what lies ahead.  I HATE the unknown.  I hate not knowing what my son is thinking, not knowing how things will be between us, not knowing what fight(s) lie ahead between his father and I.  I hate wondering in limbo.  "Wondering in limbo" is one of my weak points in life, for absolute certain.

And instead of simple hallelujahs for meeting the goal, I can only worry about the struggles ahead and think of the additional goals I need to meet (a better job, a better place to live for my son to visit me at, etc)... I can't just take in the moment and say THANK YOU to God and friends who have helped me get there.  It's a sickness, I tell you.  Pure and simple, sick.  It likely comes across as ungratefulness too.   That part of the sickness hurts me - because I desire to show my gratefulness in life... but I think my neediness, my disatisfaction with present circumstances, my yearn for future goals is all that comes across to people... I don't know how to change in that area of my life (yet).  I know this is a struggle with perfectionism, in some manner... I know this needs to end.  It needs to!

Still twirling the thoughts about my last blog entry in my head.  I'm so hell-bent on condemning myself, not forgiving myself.  I have got to change this somehow. Soon.  I want my son to learn about forgiveness.... about asking for it - about forgiving himself (humbly) when he makes mistakes, and about forgiving others for their mistakes too (without being a doormat for them). I know I can't show him how to to do this, if I can't even do it for myself.  I worry that he will be like his father - in that he will never say he's sorry.  But worry that he will be like me - saying sorry for EVERYTHING (even the faults of others, at times).

I don't know if you heard the story about the young man who recently passed away (Ben Breedlove) who had a heart condition and had a "white light experience" a few weeks before his passing.  Video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35O3E3T3GKQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player (please let me know if the link doesn't work, it means I typed a letter wrong in the URL).

I won't tell you the whole thing - but in it, he mentioned standing before a mirror and seeing his self - and he was able to smile because he felt proud about who he was. 

Now, I know that there is nothing good about ourselves technically outside of Christ. That our own "works" are nothing.  But somehow I can't seem to feel or deeply believe that our "bad" doesn't mean anything (even as a Christian).  Why can't I receive his blessing, grace and mercy?  Why can't I forgive ME, when he has given His forgiveness freely? Why do I nitpick and hold everything I do over my head - and even go unrepentant about some things -- that I feel I should not be forgiven for -- over my own head, again and again?

I feel like if I stood before that mirror, that Ben stood before, that I wouldn't smile.  That I wouldn't be proud of who I saw.

I know today is the day to change that - that all I have to do is take the "next right step" -- to learn from the past, do the next right thing instead. The past keeps holding me down, keeps me from believing I can ever be "good" or proud of myself.

Will I ever get past this?!?

So, it turns out that the "blocks" on xanga and facebook at work are intermittent.  At least for now they are.. so I can spend my hours of sitting and waiting for a customer wasting time on the internet again.  Oh joy.

Christmas wasn't all that - but it wasn't the worse I've experienced either, thankfully.  I don't know is worse - to be heartbroken once again for another Christmas without my son... or that I wasn't heartbroken this time around.  Not that I don't miss him - and not that I didn't try to call his dad and send a message to his dad's mother to request the ability to talk to him -- I did.... but my life didn't feel like it was falling apart because of it. I miss my son like crazy - but I guess I'm getting used to him not being there, sadly.  And it was a difficult place for me to be - that I couldn't send him a gift this year too.  That part really stinks the most... especially because I don't know what he thinks about i or what he's being told too. But perhaps this is all coming to an end soon... hopefully.  I have $260 more dollars to raise and then I can get an attorney to represent me for visitation that has been denied for over 3 years.

Even though it's what I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for for these three years - I'm terrified of what is to come.  I hate that.  I have overcome so much - and worked so hard... and yet I am still afraid.  Afraid of letting my son down.  Afraid of "who" he is now as a teenager.  Afraid that I will have to go back to court repeatedly.  I know I will feel better once things are into place with my son - so I can see who he is, and we are able to adjust too.  One day at a time...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have an uncle who is willing to help me get "something" short-term.  Not just short-term though - he wants it to be like a 24-48 hour thing (or close to that timespan).  He is willing to help me get a certificate or something to that affect, that will help me have regular income that will help me pay the bills.  This seems intriguing - however, unlikely.  I mean, really.. what's out there that's 24-48 hours long that creates a stable job???  Um... nada.  I think I could become a notary in that amount of time, nothing else that I can think of though. 

I have been playing around with the idea of something else I would like to do... but I have some self doubts (that someone would hire "someone like me", that I would have the detail-orientedness that is needed, that I would be the kind of person to get results... I will keep my ideas to myself... but it's an idea that keeps swirling around in my head.