You can win an above-ground swimming pool!!  

Just go HERE to find out more details on how to enter:  http://www.frugal-shopping.com/2012/05/dog-days-of-summer-swimming-pool-ends.html

Happy Summer!

Tired of having so many issues really.  :(

The first is that my son will be 15 tomorrow.  So many thoughts and feelings flood me - my heart is breaking more and more with each day and special event that passes.  I feel like God has given up on helping us reunite.  I feel like my son has given up on wanting to have me in his life too.

The other issue... events, in general.  My mom is having a friend (maybe 2?) over today... she is grilling out (ribs, asparagus, and jalapeno peppers that she will stuff w/ cream cheese.)  I did what she asked of me (dust and empty the dishwasher)... but the rest of my moments are spent on the stupid computer doing nothing that matters in the real world, and I want to go to sleep so I don't have to do/deal with anything.  I hate this... my dad did this - he didn't deal with people or want to go do anything... and now I do that... 

and this circles back to thoughts about my son... why in the world would he want to have anything to do with a mom that doesn't want to live life?

Rhett & Link are some funny guys that I recently found on YouTube... they do a hodge podge of things, such as hilarious commercials (see the Heavy Hill Commercial); they did some random videos while they were traveling cross-country (such as Booger); they do songs; they give advice to single guys (Link's Golden Advice for Single Guys); they also do a YouTube caption fail (they show how badly the closed caption button on YouTube works); they a lot more too... they were once featured on Conan too!

They also have a show they do every Mon/Wed called GMM (Good Mythical Morning) on their 2nd YouTube channel... I'm not too into that show - but they integrated it into their recent cross-country travels, and I liked what they did with that. 

 Over-all, I like their randomness & brilliance, their ability to make me laugh, and the fact that they are living life to the fullest.

I leave you with this one last Rhett & Link video... "The Job Reference"

so... I have to blog something to possibly win a KitchenAid Mixer.

And now I have.  

Here's the article: http://www.thepennyhoarder.com/2012/04/win-a-new-kitchenaid-mixer-at-thepennyhoarder-com#comment-44431

Well, here's the short version of what has happened in the past few weeks:

• My time ran out at the place I was staying in Florida (lots of interviews - even calls after I left - but I guess I had too much competition for the jobs, etc.)
   
• My mom asked me to come to live with her in Texas... I agreed. It was a very hard thing to do, but I knew I didn't really have a choice (at least not one where I wanted to impose upon a good friend of mine while I tried to keep my head above water while looking for work).
• So far, things are "okay" here... sometimes less than perfect, but overall it's going okay.  My mom actually contacted her work to see about family counseling for the 2 of us too which is basically a miracle... I'm thankful that she was willing to do it too.
• There's been an acquaintance who has contacted me from Central Florida who said that "maybe" there is a job lined up for me... I can tell my mom thinks it is a bad idea (plus I think she likes the idea of us getting some healing in the family counseling together too.) It's hard to pass it up.  I am trying to find out if they will consider a phone interview... I don't want to completely overlook the idea of getting back to Florida and getting on my feet as fast as possible too. 
• Starting to volunteer once a week at a medical clinic, similar to the one I worked at in Georgia. I hope it goes well. Guessing it will... 

I have the hiccups.  That's all for now...

So, I have been at the place I'm at for 3 1/2 weeks now... no job (yet).  I have had at least 1 interview each week... but nobody wants me. I feel that it kind of ties in with Seedsower's most recent post about obesity, to be honest (though no employer would dare be truthful about that fact, of course.)

I don't know what comes next - there's a few maybes... Maybe I will be granted an extension to stay at the shelter (hopefully they will see I've been doing all I can do to find work).  Maybe I will be referred to an organization that will provide housing while employed (though I don't know that I will have employment soon). Maybe one of these interviews will pan out into a decent paying job so that I can afford to start saving to get my own place ASAP.

I have had some of my own fatalistic thoughts come back into play... feeling hopeless is not an option.... but it stands there and stares me in the face each day.

I am wanting to run away... back to one of the places I used to live - where I at least know a person or two (and have access to decent counseling too)... I'm afraid of leaving though - because there is one person who might help but I would be imposing... and I don't know that I wouldn't put a strain on them, that I wouldn't give up a little more, that I wouldn't struggle even longer (because there are less job opps in their area).  I wish I had an answer - and that I could stop looking back at all the series of choices that have put my in this place that I'm in today...

Life has taken me on a journey I don't want to be on.  It's a little more than I would want to admit... and a place I never imagined I would be too. 

I'm "technically" homeless - though I have received placement in a half-way house for 30 days.  After 30 days, if I can't afford to stay, I'm basically back to the streets (unless I can get a continuation on my placement).

I actually lived in my car for a few days - because they organization that was "placing me" had to have certain documentation that took time, and because they can only help so many people a day. 

I have cried a lot in the past week... my feelings range to neglect from family, to disbelief that I could be in this place, to feelings of failure & hopelessness. 

I don't feel "comfortable" for certain too. In case you don't know - a half-way house is typically for people recovering from drugs/alcohol (neither of which I have struggled with, but the program I went through doesn't discern whether you have had an addiction or not - they just try to help you get off the streets.)  So, there are moments of uneasiness with some of the women, but overall they are all fairly pleasant so far. 

There's a lot of rules - curfew, daily chores and the likes. Oh, and I have to attend an AA class every day too.  So, everyone in the room goes around and introduces theirselves and has to say what their addiction is... so, I just say my name since I don't have an addiction.  (Sometimes I want to blurt out what everyone else is saying, so I don't feel like such a weirdo that's just spying on the group meeting.  I take the meetings to heart though - I always take time to learn from other's experiences and am sincere in listening and seeing what I can gain from what they share... though I don't have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I can relate to many of their stories (I actually used to go to a "recovery class" in the past - back in 2007-08, that I used to blog about, in case you hadn't followed my posts for that long).

Anyhow... so, I need to really work my butt off to get a job within the next 4 weeks so I don't end up on the streets again.

Is anyone else out there using the Xanga app for their iPhone or droid? I am.

Today, someone asked for a weather update, in regards to how I was doing.  I answered, "fair, with storm clouds in the distance"... 

The storm clouds are here now. 

They are more threatening and dangerous than first imagined.  They may produce tornados and hail, inflicting damage on myself and others.  I just want things to calm down, be refreshed by the passing storm. 

I don't know if it's surviving the storm or the stress of anxiously awaiting the storm that is more draining.

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In other news... I find myself being more and more okay with the extreme distance between my mother and myself.  Along with the nothingness that exists between my step-mother who raised me from age 4-18.  I can tell that it's not causing them any lack of sleep too.  I wish I had more words and thoughts to share about this, but I don't.  Still deciding if that's a good or a bad thing.