Lord, help me let it go
Let me ignore the spasms
Of pain and anguish and darkness

Lord, let me turn my cheek
To remember what it means
To fathom forgiveness & reconciliation

Take the evil, turn it to good
Take the emptiness, fill me up
Take the pain, mend the wounds

Lord, fill this empty soul
Replace it with your goodness
Hallow out the wickedness

Parch the poison that drenches my soul
Take the icy glares, blind me forever
Substitute with gratefulness & love

Help me give what I have not received
Cure me of the corrupted heart
Avail me of the secret burning desire

 

 

I live with a woman who has no idea how to "contain" someone's emotion.  She has no clue how to validate - she always has to match or "one up" the pain or anger emitted around her. 

I'm not supposed to be so reactive when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired - not doing such a great job that right now.  This day has started off in a very crappy way and I hate it.

I hate that I want her to be something she can't -- someone who "knows" me, someone who does things with intentional purpose (not on a whim, or a last minute afterthought).  Someone who was just a little better at communicating.  Someone who can go about making traditions - who can be consistent and counted on.  Someone who wants to have close family and be family.

I hate Christmas.

I hate that my anger towards her makes me hate myself a little more too.

 

 

 

 

 

It's like you're starving and at a buffet but you're not allowed to eat. It would be nice if the person you're with would stand up against the way things are instead of walking up to the buffet and eating right in front of you. I want everyone to be an activist for the cause, and it's invalidating when they go about their days (eating blissfully from the buffet any time they choose) with no action against the wrong they see.

 

 

 

Another rambling thoughts entry... 

 

Today, while driving, my mind wandered (as it tends to do oftentimes)... I came to think of the story about Mary & Martha (the women who served a meal to Jesus).  After the dinner, Mary sat and listened to Jesus, while Martha went about work and became upset with Mary for not helping her.  

Perhaps it wouldn't be hermeneutically correct  to fill in the blanks, with my own ideas about why one person did something... but oh well.. I did it anyhow.  

I came to imagine that perhaps Mary was a woman who was consistently very hard-working and diligent... I then considered that, perhaps, Martha was more of a person who liked to put on airs for visitors (to show that she was not lazy and to publicly show she was dutiful)...  and possibly angry that she was left with all the hard work for herself and angry that she she was "shown up" for not being as gracious to her guest by sitting to listen to him (so she chose to show that being the dutiful housekeeper was, of course, the proper choice, instead of humbling herself and altering her course of action.) 

Okay, I know that I'm thinking like a 21st century woman - because back then, a woman wasn't supposed to be involved in the teaching of the word, etc... and was supposed to be the dutiful housekeeper... so I know that my thoughts were not really what was occurring...  so, um... back to reality - and the real heart of the matter. 

I don't know why my personal situation led me to that stray set of thoughts... but I know that it comes down pretty much to knowing I have an issue with humbleness & humility. 

Most people who know me (in a general sense) would likely say that I am a fairly humble person.   In my heart, in all honesty with myself, I know am not the type of humble I need to be though.  I am realizing more and more that this is causing strife in my life (and has likely been a root cause in my past as well).  

I could try to analyze why I have this problem... that would be wasting time and energy though, I suppose - time and energy that should be spent on rectifying the problem.

I guess there are example of people who became humble (if you're reading this, feel free to tell me who they are - especially if it includes an example of someone who didn't attain this quality instantaneously)...

I'm definitely struggling with feeling like I will ever become that type of humble person that I need/want to be... 

 

 

 

I'm feeling a lot right now.  I was told I would do better to "ground myself" rather than blog about what I'm feeling... but I sort of lost the paper about how exactly to go about grounding myself.  

I woke up from a terrible dream this morning - It's a little vague now, but I remember there was a tiger that was on the loose and children that were mortally wounded because of traps that were set up to catch the tiger and the children triggered the traps.  It was awful and it startled me awake   Where in the world do these type of terrible dreams come from??  

 

I'm feeling a lot of things...

• frustration at myself mostly!
• I need to be more motivated in a lot of areas
• I need to do more for certain others  
• I need to not be mean with my words with certain others when I'm having an "off" day or moment
• frustrated about waiting for certain things - with the uncertainty of what the end result will be
• frustrated at my mom for certain things

 

Someone from Texas is reading this and I don't know who it is.  Will you tell me who you are, please??

 

This blog has been brought to you by the Word of the Day:  CERTAIN.

Waiting for a phone call this morning.  I'm nervous about it - but also sort of worried that it will end up being less than what I'm hoping for too.

Found a quiz at Megabyte's that I thought I'd waste my time with...

 

1. What's a question you're afraid to ask? To whom?

I think I know the answer to this question vaguely, but don't want to think about it right now.  It's on a rather fresh subject that is still sorting itself out, I suppose... or perhaps it's that I know the answer and I don't like the idea of what it is.  :-S 

2. What's something you hide about your personality?

I can be kind of sneaky.  I'm not proud of this at all.  I think it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, perhaps. 

3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?

I disagree with a lot of Republican thinking.  Not everything... but a lot of it.  Oddly enough, I was very aligned with Republican thinking before the past 5 years.  Hmmm... maybe Obama put something in the drinking water.  

4. How do you deal with criticism?

If it's constructive criticism that told in a healthy way, I'm open to it and typically want to hear it (doesn't mean I will always make the change - cuz I can be stubborn as heckydurn, but I still want to hear it.)  If it's the "unhealthy" type of criticism, it's hard on me.  Sometimes it shuts me down, and makes me beat up on myself (while not likely to make me change too.)

5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?:

I probably haven't given credit enough to the sweet things that HAVE been done to help me over the past 5 years.  It's hard to acknowledge one thing and omit the others too... 

6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Perhaps it was a surprise birthday party.   

7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Hmmm... I will list a few things and they can choose one or all of the following

• Pay off my debts
• Help me to get a really good lawyer
• Let me live with them until I can get a job & on my feet in FL, closer to my son
• Pick one or more items off my Pinterest board to get me    1, 2, 3  

8. Describe your favorite texture

I think it's the really, really ultra-soft brushed cotton (or similar fabric).  

9. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?

I don't think it would be Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) because that would probably end up as a train wreck, lol... so, I will go with Superman (or Marty McFly).  Why:  they can reverse time/change the past... which I would hope to be able to convince them to do for me during the time at lunch.  

10. Who would you say is your “anti” role model?

Is this asking me to list famous people that I am disgusted with?  There are too many to list... but here's a few.

• Kim Kardashian (though I like her sis, Chloe)
• Lindsey Lohan

11. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?

• what the heck kind of question is this?? 
• shamrock boxers??

12. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?

• send all my son's stuff to him at his father's

13. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?

• diamond (so I could be of value)... this is a dumb question too

14. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?

• mom: not taking a stand against the wrong going on with regards to my son.  Not helping me in the same way she was helped.
• dad: not admitting he did wrong

15. Which movie character do you most identify with and why?

• I don't know... I really like Elinor Dashwood from Sense & Sensibility as a person to aspire to be more like, I guess

16.  You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?

• I would steal the morphing potions from Yzma (from Emporer's New Groove) to change them into a kitten.   I would then hand them to the 1st ADHD 6 year old that I could find    lol

17. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night

• I forget now

18. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?

• ?

19. What motivates you in life?

• my son

20. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you?

• reading...  I blame college

21. How do you think you will fare when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives?

• I'll probably be one of the first to go.

22. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.

• Having to walk up a huge flight of stairs for an interview, and between that and the anxiety I felt, not being able to catch my breath to answer the questions without making gasping-for-air sounds.

23. What’s something that scares you about the future?

• not knowing how the relationship will be between my son and me

24. List 5 quirky things about yourself.

1. I like to acknowledge the "likes" of a person on facebook/pinterest 
2. I like to turn the a/c on full blast when I first get into my car (unless it's cold outside) 
3. I love baby toes... they make me go "ooooh" and "aaaawww"
4. I struggle with needing (wanting) ultra-validation or accompaniment to do certain things  
5. I generally don't like to have several different shoes to choose from - I usually like one pair and wear the heck out of them til they die

25. What’s the weirdest item you've ever mourned?

• a mobile home  

26. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?

• it would be a like an ultra long train ride that took you through an amusement park, that had stops along the way where you could get off to get a closer look or to eat, etc. The ride would allow you to see different shows while you're on it 

27. Do you have any “rules” about food?

• can't think of any right now

28. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

• I think it's most important that it be emotionally healthy... and I think it is somewhat important to look at how it may affect the relationships in your family too

29. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?

• have a breast reduction and major fat/skin removal

30. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.

• my grandma's house when I was around the age of 5

31. How do you approach social situations?

• I generally get anxious about social situations, but especially when it's a new setting/people 

32. What is your ideal bed? Why?

• soft but firmly supportive, and has something I can lean against (like up against a wall or something like that)

 

 

 

I have recently taken one baby step that I was encouraged to take by someone.  It's bringing a lot of thoughts and emotions...

- Why couldn't I take that step (before now) without someone doing the encouraging?  
- - - However, I know I've had to wait too.  But I'm frustrated that I wasn't "good enough" to be ready/capable before now, on my own.

- I'm angry that the person who encouraged me was not my mom nor from my family.
- I'm afraid -- that it will bring a war, or a negative outcome.  I'm so afraid that it will cause more heartache.

But... I'm more afraid that if I don't keep taking steps forward that I will be the same as my mom.  That I will be looked at by my own child as not having done enough.  So, I am going to continue forward - even though I have anger and disappointment (mingled with heartache and feelings of unworthiness) as well as fear of the unknown that lies ahead. 

 

I'm sorry for the ambiguous blog.... I just needed to write a little.

 

 

I haven't done one of these "surveys" in ages... and though i have deeper thoughts I could post, I will just do the survey today.  I know I'm just wasting time and not wanting to think about anything too deep right now. 

BTW: This survey was "borrowed" from megabyyte.

1. What Eye color do you find sexiest

A cool steely grey, or a pretty green 

2. White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?

milk chocolate, I suppose (I hate white chocolate, btw)

3. If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?

Probably a small word/phrase that is meaningful to me, written in a pretty font.  Or... something that relates to my son. 

4. Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

I have lived in both (we moved a lot)... I guess I liked them all. 

5. Your favorite adult as a child?

My grandma (though I didn't get to see her after I was age 8.)

6. What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?

Strawberry banana, I suppose - though I'm not really in the mood for a smoothie at this moment.

7. Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?

My 5th grade teacher calling attention to the fact that I didn't know division (she didn't take into account that I had moved multiple times over several years, and was never taught them, I guess) and she asked in front of the class if she should bring a 3rd grader into the classroom to show me. 

8. Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?

There may have been something more embarrassing, but the memory that comes to mind is a foiled April Fool's Day prank - where I attempted to get the entire History class to throw wadded up paper at the teacher at a specific time... nobody ended up doing it except me and one other person.  Some girl in class ratted me out and I had to have my parents sign a note for the teacher.  (I wasn't much of a trouble-maker, so my step mom just laughed about it.)

9. Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?

I think the time I got in trouble for signing a note from my step mom, saying that my absence was excused.  I wasn't going to get into big trouble, since I had never done anything before - but my step mom told her to give me Saturday School. 

10. Pirates or ninjas? Why?

Pirates.  Johnny Depp, that's why. ;-P

11. Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?

No, I probably only climbed up 10-15'... I was kind of afraid that I would get too high and get stuck up in the tree.

12. Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?

Yes, loved it.  I like it now... I don't know that I get "excited" though.

13. If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?

On the normal side... A golden retriever.   If it was something a little more exotic... A red fox.

14. What's your most favorite part of your body?

My eyes, I guess if I have to choose. 

15. What's your most favorite part of your personality?

I guess my deeper side (if I have someone around to appreciate it)... funny how I can't validate that - I have to have someone else do it for me. 

16. Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? 

Don't really care for either...

17. Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?

I don't think so... watched some of the game and a lot of the commercials (the best part, in my opinion).

18. Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?

No.

19. What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?

meal:  maybe ravioli di portabella, from Olive Garden (I hate that I can't remember something better than that)
dessert: a homemade Hummingbird cake 

20. Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?

Butter; grew up with both

21. Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)

2%... Skim milk upsets my stomach, 1% is ok.  And no, I didn't know that they make 1 1/2% milk.

22. Which continents have you been on?

Only this one, North America

23. Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?

I've gotten car sick and sea sick.  Story:  Both my dog and I got horribly sick on a car trip from New Mexico to Florida.  It was awful.  I guess it's possible I may have had a bug instead of carsickness.  ///  I got seasick when my dad took me deep sea fishing once - I bit into the Dramamine he gave me, by accident - I slept for almost the whole time we were on the boat.

24. Backpacks or satchels?

Satchel, if I could ever find one with just the right straps.

25. Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?

None of the above.

26. What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

Hmmm... maybe Smurfs.

27. If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?

If I had to - then I suppose it would be a mini pig (they're kind of cute like a dog, and I think they're fairly smart too.) 

28. If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?

City... I guess New York (though I've never been there).  Go big, or go home.  lol

29. Longest plane ride you've ever been on?

About 3 1/2 hours total, I think (FL to TX)

30. The latest you've ever slept?

I forget really... but maybe 5pm?  It was probably a combo of not being able to sleep the night before along w/ medicine that made me sleepy.  

31. Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?

I would do it if I knew it would get a laugh.

32. Do you pick at scabs?

yes - it's a horrible fault of mine (I'm kind of OCD about it)

33. Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?

Black (but I like all 3 types listed)

34. How far can you throw a baseball?

Not far. 

35. If you had to move to another country, where would you move?

Top 3 choices:  Ireland, Japan, Russia. 

36. Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?

A Korean friend made some potstickers for me once... so I suppose that counts.  I think I liked it too (it was my 1st time having them). 

37. Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?

I don't know - I would have to weigh the strength of the program I want to go into -versus- cost and location. 

38. A relationship with love or one with sex?

love (but sex is part of the love too, right?)

39. Do you eat enough vegetables?

No - I do better on some days though

40. Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?

NO horror flicks.  Is thriller the same as "suspense"?  I can handle suspense, but nothing with horror in it.

41. Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?

If I absolutely had to - and knew for a fact no one would see me! (Ew, I know)

42. Do you swear in front of your parents?

Not really.

43. Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?

I don't really think the word "cool" and "me" mingle too much... lol  (I wish I had pictures of me in halloween costumes growing up... Kind of feeling sad that I don't have many pictures from my childhood.)

44. If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?

Yes -- Red... if I could find the right shade that matched my skin tone... and that didn't scream bozo the clown.  I've wanted to do it, but never have had the guts. 

45. Do you want to get married? Have kids?

Yes, I want to get married!  Sadly, I think I'm kind of too old to have any more children... but if I could I would, if my husband was agreeable.

46. Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.

I'm guilty of using disposable water bottles sometimes... but mostly I just use a glass all day at home for water. 

47. City or nature person?

I lean more towards nature. 

48. Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)

maybe lipstick to write with - I forget... 

49. Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?

No.  I only buy flat shoes too. 

50. Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!

I don't want to fill this out right now... ugh.

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

 

I once saw an amazing video when taking a Teaching Diverse Populations class in college.  It's called Blue Eyed (with Jane Elliot).  It is incredible & an eye opener.  If you have some spare time on your hands, please watch!!

The 1st few seconds are in spanish, and it has spanish subtitles, but the video is in english.

 

Part One:

 

Part Two:

 

 

Okay... I have an odd confession to make... when I read a news article about someone - if it mentions something about what was written on the person's facebook... I will attempt to go find it.  I'm generally successful in finding it too. 

I don't know if this makes me creepy and/or voyeuristic - or just simply a person who is up for the challenge in finding the person like the journalist(s) did.  I think it does say something to the matter that I have too much time on my hands. 

Apparently, I'm not the only one who does this too... when I visit the pages, it's generally been "hit" by several others before me - typically it is with lots of nasty notes, sometimes a note saying they are praying for someone affected, etc.  I haven't ever written anything on these type of pages - I don't think I ever would either. 

On a side note - a sad thing I see from tragic events, is internet "trolls" who put up facebook pages portraying themselves to be the perpetrator - feeding off the anger and pain of others.  Who are these people and why must they be so cruel and cold-hearted?