January 14, 2013

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  Sorry if this blog entry ends up being a random collection of hodge podgeness... 

   

  Yesterday, my mom watched My Girl.  I think she's seen it before, but she indulged in it last night - and at the end she started crying, of course (I didn't watch it thankfully, or I would have been boo hoo'ing right alongside her).  What was my response to hearing her crying in the other room though??  (Please don't think of me as a cold, heartless wench after reading my reaction...)  I wanted to videotape it.  I know, I know -- that sounds entirely cruel perhaps, but I'm telling you, if you heard her cry you would think that it was a fake, playful cry.  I hate that I can't feel empathy when she cries because each & every time it makes me laugh (which actually gets her to stop crying eventually).  

  The 1st time I remember hearing my mom cry like she does now, I was 24 or 25 years old.  I don't know if she has always cried like that (she & I didn't have contact from the time I was age 8-18).  I think she had started crying over a sentimental issue, way back then.   I remember looking at her, thinking automatically that she was imitating Jim Carey. I thought, surely, that she couldn't be crying for real.  But, she was - her cry is like a literal "boo hoo".  

  Anyhow... I couldn't get a video clip of it, so that others could see that I truly am not a evil, cold person for thinking her cry is somewhat humorous.   I kind of hope her crying style will change one day somehow, because I really don't like that it makes me chuckle.

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  I've been over-thinking a lot of stuff lately.  A sign of too much time on my hands...

  I tried to contact a lady to see if she would meet one-to-one with me to work on some stuff in my life, but she hasn't responded to my email or text.  I'm kind of taking that as a sign that she doesn't want to, or that she's already meeting with someone else.  I know I shouldn't "assume" anything... but that's what I seem to do best.  I sit and think that it means that they know that I won't succeed, or that if I had wanted it bad enough that I would have contacted her a long time ago.  I know it's not right that I think that God and most others think I'm a hopeless, washed up piece of nothing.  But I don't know how to change my thinking on that either. 

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  I have more to write, and I hate that I don't feel entirely "safe" writing it here, because I can't trust that one of my readers isn't my ex or his girlfriend, or one of his family members.  (I had given them my blog website address a long, long time ago -- and even though I changed the blog name, I don't know that everything changed.  I know I could change my blog to a protected site.. but then I typically end up with no readers or feedback at all (I don't get too much as it is, sine I'm not faithful in blogging.) 

   

  I will say this... I hate what bad breakups do to people.  I hate that most of us can't look at the other person and see the human being that we once saw (same goes for me towards my ex too, I suppose).  Ex's can become this awful creature that we are repulsed by, that we can't see as humane or caring.  I hate that my ex (and his family & girlfriend) see me in this way.  

   

  I suppose I don't care about them feeling that way, so much, as I care that the random people "out there in the world" get a distorted view of who I am by what they may say about me.  (Not to say I think they go around blabbering about me to everyone, all the time...)

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  Sheesh, this blog entry is a lot less meaningful than I hoped it would be.    Sorry if you feel your time has been wasted.  Speaking of wasting time... Don't bother watching Contagion.  I rate that movie as Simply Pointless.

   

  • 10:59 am
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