September 20, 2012

  • Digging my heels in

     

    Someone said to me today... "it's interesting to see how you're digging your heels in about this issue".  

    It's not interesting.  And I know it's not cute or funny either.  It IS frustrating, and it makes me angry at myself - while also making me angry at them for "pushing" in a way I don't like... why can't they take some time to find an alternate way to help me (so I don't dig my heels in) -- or is it just simply wrong for me to ask them to cater to me in that way? 


    Thoughts and feelings about the things I'm powerless over.

    • There are things I really, really need to do - that I really, really need to take care of... things that would make me a "healthier" person.  These are the things I dig my heels in about.  I know I am not powerless over these issues -- but I guess I put myself in a position to make them have power over me, to allow myself to be a victim to these issues (again and again and again) - but they feel bigger than me too.  
      • I would much rather analyze why I am struggling with this issue than to deal with it, which I know is not going to help the matter.
      • I already know that some of the issue is co-dependency, some of it is desire for validation, some of it is self-hatred, some of it's stubbornness (I want it my way or no way), some of it is perfectionism (the feeling that it will never be enough, that it's too big to deal with, that it will never end.).
        • There may be more reasons... but that doesn't matter - "just doing it" is what matters.
      • I hate the statement "just do it" -- it reaffirms the fact that, at the end of the day, emotions don't matter - it's just about doing what needs to be done.  I don't want to rely on my emotions, but I guess I want them to matter - but I know I need to get past them driving my actions too.
      • And so... here I have over-analyzed the whole issue... and I still don't want to take a freaking step towards doing anything about it...
        • if I did do something about it, it would mean...  
          • that the person I did it for was not me - it would be for THEIR approval too 
          • I know I wouldn't give myself the pat on the back - because I would judge my actions as not good enough
          • I would hate the feeling of expectation of doing it again to make others happy 

            I have over-freaking-analyzed this issue enough... I actually could break it down more - it's not getting me anywhere though!!  :(

    Ways I've discovered God or sensed His presence today.

    •  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -    

    Today's victories.

    • None yet, but the day's not over yet, I guess.

    Today's defeats.

    • digging my heels in...  
    • wanting to shut down after being pushed to "just do it"
    • negative thoughts and feeling like a failure over-all because I won't give in