September 8, 2012
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ptc09072012
Thoughts and feelings about the things I'm powerless over.- feeling frustrated about feeling like I can't file anything in court. Feeling like I'll never get anywhere with this too. Hoping that I'm just being pessimistic and short-sighted. I don't like the sense of not having direction or an "unknown ending". I found myself thinking earlier today about how positive my mom has been since reuniting with me after I was an adult (we were spearated from the time I was 8-18 years old) -- I don't know if I could be as positive as she's been when/if that ever happens with my son and I -- I tend to "get stuck" on what should have been, on what was lost, and sometimes forget to "be in the moment" and enjoy/appreciate what I do have in that day...
Ways I've discovered God or sensed His presence today.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I hope this will change
Today's victories.
- cooked a fairly healthy dinner (baked tilapia and steamed broccoli).. though I probably did use a little more butter than I should have
- got more stuff in the mail that I have been wanting to send out. Still have one more to get done and out...
- received news that I received a deferment for a student loan - now if I can only somehow talk the other company into moving my other student loan into deferment somehow (I didn't file the papers in time and they went into default)
I prob shouldn't be negative in this "section" about victories, huh?
Today's defeats.
- too much sugar after dinner (just a few short hours after talking to my mom about how much less sugar I have than 2 years ago)
- I didn't pull stuff out of my car that I need to deal with... I hate when I let things pile up and when I procrastinate too
Comments (3)
I'm sure you felt god in some way today. sometimes its just difficult to tell whats him and whats not. I would recommend meditating on life for a while before you sleep. for the most part that is when he talks to me most. no distractions. everything is still. my thoughts are able to swirl around. I enjoy it quite a bit. after im done I grab my phone and text out what I learn, and save it as a draft on my phone so I could pull it up in the morning to write in my journal then.
a quote that I greatly like is "God never stops speaking, either he is to far away for us to hear, or we have put in ear plugs".
@jordon@revelife - I've been struggling in my walk with God for forever. I know some of it is because I have a distorted view of him from personal childhood experiences and probably other reasons too. I know some of the struggle is from my own "fleshly" issues that I haven't worked on - or worked on enough. Though I have struggled a lot ever since I became a Christian - these last few years have been especially difficult for a few reasons. One reason: Experiences from these last few years (from the people I went to church with and from those at the Christian college I went to); and especially in addition to the stuff with my son... Though neither of these issues were cause by God, I think I have a lot of unresolved issues with him for not protecting me (and my son) from those incidents, and for not "rescuing" us from them too... I know I can't expect that He will do exactly what I want (and know that is often for my own good)... but it's just been extremely hard to go through what I have and to have felt so abandoned in it all (of course, expecting Him to be there more for me than I have been there for Him - which I admit is quite selfish of me to want that). I often swing between feeling unworthy of any good from Him because of my actions/inactions (though I know His grace isn't dependent on my deeds) - to the other end of feeling like, if I'm His child (and my son is too) then He would have wanted to help me out of some of these situations before now - of course, in ways that would be glorifying and amazing....
I know it's hard for me to clearly explain it in a paragraph what's going on exactly - but hopefully it's somewhat coherent. I know I can't remain in this state of "I hope things will get better between Him and me" forever - that I need to be a little more proactive about it... I'm struggling with doing that too.
I was struggling off and on with god a few months ago. I just needed distractions to be gone. In a weeks time just a few months ago, I got off the worship team at my church, lost my girlfriend, lost several of my closest friends with no explanation, and got out of school for the summer.
I went into this last summer with nothing to do. nothing to worry about. so I gave my time to god. now I am happier now than what I was with all those distractions.
once distractions picked up a bit, I decided that i needed something to keep me on track, so I started a bible study with the remainder of my close friends (two people). it has worked amazingly. It was difficult for me to find him when everyday was school, homework, girlfriend, church, friends, sleep. although there was church in my daily schedule, I was not doing the main course of my journey at home. I came expecting a meal, but only received a snack of the spirit. I was dying because I was stagnant. I realized only recently that we cant expect others to feed us. our pastors can do only so much. I needed to read on my own, I needed to pray on my own, and I needed to worship on my own.
I'm not exactly sure how this could help but there you go. Thats how I overcome my dry spells with god. I got rid of everything that made it difficult to listen. it hurt at first, but everything is amazing now and im glad that everything happened as it did.
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