August 30, 2012

• Old reflections

   

  I'm one of those people who will reflect on where I was - how life was at a pivotal time in history, I suppose.  Today was a little like that for me.  Seven years ago, Hurricane Katrina was hitting New Orleans - and I was just starting a new chapter in my life in Toccoa Falls, Georgia.  The weather did eventually hit our area with tornadoes about 45 minutes away - but thankfully we only suffered some flooding in our community.  Life, at that time, was very much in the "honeymoon phase" too... 

  My son was just eight years old - I was excited at the many things I wanted to share with him while we were there, we had a great amount of neighbors with boys his age who he could romp through the outside with in a very safe community that was often compared to living in the 1950's.  

  I was about to start on my bachelor's degree in the exact field I wanted to study, at the exact school I wanted to study - I had professors that had such an immense passion for what they were teaching that it built even greater passion for my studies.

   

  I had just got an ideal job doing something I never imagined I would have been given a chance at - and loved it too.  Not only that, but it came with a great community of people to work with. 

  I was starting to put the past behind me (with regards to the painful experiences/feelings from my ex) too.

  I was struggling somewhat with my mom at that time - though we were talking regularly I think at that time.  She even came to visit me in October of that year and said she loved where I was living, my neighbors - and she even helped to paint my living room, dining room and hallways.  

  Sadly - I have struggled a lot with regards to her (since my son as 4) with the fact that she has no desire to live near family.  I take it so personally - and make it more about not being loveable/worthwhile enough for her to desire to live near us.  You can say that it says more about her until you're blue in the face... I just can't wrap my mind around it to think of it another way than I do. 

  It's hard to reflect on this time and to accept where I am now.  To accept the choices I've made, to acknowledge the mistakes & missteps I've chosen, to ponder the tragedies that have happened to both my son and myself.  It's hard not to replay and replay what was - and to unsuccessfully try to stop wishing for things to be different and wishing I had done something different at several pivotal points over these past 4 1/2 years.  I wish I could stop complaining about these past 4 1/2 years too - and "just live life" until things are back to where they need to be - where they should be.  I know these are some of the things that hold me back from taking steps forward a little faster too. 

  I can't believe the hatred and anger that has oozed from my being in these past years.  The people that have hurt me that I didn't think possible to hurt me in ways I ever imagined.  The relationships that I've damaged in unimaginable ways too.  And even the change in outlook on life and certain topics in life have changed in ways I never would have thought possible 7 years ago. 

  Yes, there have been some good things to come out of these past 7 years - but being the melancholic, pessimistically-minded person that I tend to be - - all that good is sadly overshadowed by so many negative things.  

  I wish I could let go of these things.  I wish that I could just put my foot forward and take the next right step in life... I don't know what keeps holding me back, other than my stubbornness - my unwillingness to let go, to forgive, to accept the losses, to accept that those who have hurt me (along with my son) won't ever apologize too...

  Additionally, I know I need to keep working getting past the huge stigma that all this has given me - a stigma that deeply rooted itself into me, that is continually challenged by others words, actions and unsaid words/looks that often speak louder than words.  I need to work on making myself independent of the approval of others, independent of their emotional (and other support) and stand on my own two feet again... without rejecting/resenting them for needing to do so too.  I know I need to also keep working on the stuff that causes me to be reactionary (which include poor choices that eventually give deeper roots to the stigma and problems between others). 

  I need to accept "what is" and maybe stop trying & trying to prove who I am, who I can be - and just be... and learn to be okay with who I am - while not giving up on who I can be too.  

  I don't know if I'll get there.  Every day is a struggle - mixed in with being paralyzed with the events of the past and feelings of being overwhelmed with the current status of so many things that I have to deal with.

   

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  I haven't done this in a while - it's a format I used from when I was going through the Power to Choose workbook several years ago (the group is one of those things I miss a lot too).

  Thoughts and feelings about the things I'm powerless over.

  • I can't change the way my ex is treating my son, or that he's keeping him from me.  I know have the ability to go back to court now and request my rights that the judge has already affirmed that he would allow me to have... but I have fears, doubts & financial impediments that all hold me back (and holding back makes me angry at myself)... I hope that I can move past this soon and know what I need to do and be able to do it in the right time and accept if that time is not now - and if I *have to* wait, that I will be able to forgive myself for that wait time too.
  • I can't make my mom "cheer-lead" for me like I want, nor can I make her want to move from where she lives.  I have a lot of unsettled thought and emotions to work through with this still, I know... I know I need to work on accepting & forgiving her some more.  I know I need to release expectations that put pressure on her, and to learn to mourn the losses that come from her deficiencies & mistakes in the past and in the present.  I still need to work on healing from the losses that have kept me in a state of depending on her for my emotional and other needs. 

  Ways I've discovered God or sensed His presence today.

  • Sadly, I'm struggling with how God is becoming less and less present in my life... and with where I thought I wanted to be as a Christian and instead being closer to the person I feared being seven years ago - without really fighting it.  And I fear the long-term impact of being this person (not just for me, but also for my son.)

  Today's victories.

  • I put some stuff in the mail that I needed to (I know... it probably seems ridiculous to even mention that)
  • I got out of the house & finished a project that was a LOT easier than I expected it to be
  • Had a meeting with a soon-to-be employer - the meeting went good... though I struggle with fully understanding the way she thinks/operates/communicates
  • Sent the soon-to-be employer some ideas that she praised me for and that she was excited about
  • Made a yummy salad for my mom and I to have for dinner
  • I made a few calls to friends - I had been kind of holding back and withdrawing a little lately, it was good to reconnect - but it makes me homesick for them too 

  Today's defeats.

  • Forgetfulness  :(  (ended up having to make an unnecessary extra trip home that took a lot of extra gas that I can't afford to waste)
  • Got a crack in my windshield from a rock - the crack keeps growing   !!!  I know this isn't a defeat really - but it really sucked that this happened
  • Not being proactive as my mom would like me to be in helping with the household chores, and feeling "stuck" & stubborn regarding this issue somewhat - and worried about how it may affect our relationship, etc

   

  • 1:45 am
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