June 17, 2012

  • my real dad

     

    let the free-writing begin....

     

    Dear Lord, here I am
    Where are You?  
    Probably closer than I think
    I'm farther than I want to be

    How can this be?

    Remembering, what I think we had
    Ashamed I'm not further along
    Always feeling "too much", "too bad" for You,
    I suppose

    Why can't I do all the shoulds
    and the suppose to's?

    Where are the milestones
    The evidence of our relationship
    The evidence of Your love,
    More importantly - the evidence of my love (and gratitude)?

    What do I really want from here on?

    How do I "get there"?
    Will I ever get warmer

    Have you spewed me from your mouth? 
    You know, I'm sure, that I hold on to those words
    in fear, processing negatively - as usual...

    I'm sorry I'm not the daughter want me to be
    And I know I seek man's approval before yours
    And my own self-fulfilling wishes too

    I know I need you...
    But have I grown too cold?
    Unredeemingly so?

    I think I miss you
    But not enough?

    I'm sorry
    But not enough