I've been in Texas with my mom a little over a month now... It's going okay, so far, thankfully.
Things are kind of on "hold" with my son. I can't believe that this mess I've made has been going on for four and a half years now.
My mom talked to my son on Mother's Day last week and he told her that he wasn't ready to talk to me yet (this could be for any number of reasons: a desire to please his dad, influence or pressure from his dad & dad's family, lack of contact with me, etc)... it was heartbreaking to hear this to say the least, no matter what the reason is. I have been sinking kind of badly this past week -- since the news from my mom and with his birthday coming up too (he'll be 15).
I'm afraid of so much right now. Afraid of pushing forward -- that it will lead to him drawing away from me. Afraid of backing off -- that he'll resent it. Afraid that his father/father's family will keep putting a wedge between us too (no matter what steps I take) too. And afraid that even if I do get legal ability to have contact again - I will face more obstacles (from his dad/family, financially or possibly even from Devon).
I spent 10 years apart from my mom (age 8-18)... I can't forget the damage it's done to our relationship, and it creates a lot of my fears too.
I know my WHOLE LIFE should not revolve around the relationship with my son, but it really has affected me *living out life* without him in it - and it triggers a lot of overwhelming/depressing emotions at the thought of him not wanting to be in my life.
My heart aches for re-connection with my son, for connection with familiar faces & places, to be stable on my own (NOT in Texas), and to get out of the "what if" mode so I can overcome this fear and start living life regardless of what's happening. Easier said than done, of course.
~Katie
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