February 1, 2012

• if you want something different...

   

  A few updates...

  This weekend I was asked to have coffee by an old friend.  I've known him for almost 20 years (a fact we discussed), but we hadn't seen each other probably since 1995 or 96.  I think we did run into each other in a parking lot though some years after that. He and I had an "almost" relationship for about a week, I think. It was not the healthiest of things, though nothing terrible happened.  I was rejected and didn't want him to reject me...

  He and I had talked on the phone a few times in the past year, in depth, and very personal on his part... I'm a sucker for people who are "real"... I did get the opportunity to tell him, kind of, that I was heavier.  That I was a bit self-destructive with myself because it created a "safety" for me with people [so I couldn't allow myself to be used as an object any more].  He had asked me to get together with him before this weekend, but I turned the invite down because I was too scared of the rejection I knew he would give me. 

  So anyhow... back to this weekend. 

  I said yes to meeting with him this time -- I don't know if it was more about "let's get it over with and done" or taking a chance at something different (if you want something different, you have to do something different). 

  Hope can be a dangerous thing for me. 

  I know I look a LOT different than the last time he saw me.  About 100 pounds different (sadly, not 100 pounds lighter). 

  The time together was decent enough - we talked a little about everything -- old times, old friends, some of the stuff we talked about on the phone, some of his dreams for the future.  He did invite me to come to a "house church" that he was having during the week in his apartment too.  I told him I would pray about it.

  He didn't bring up the weight issue during the time we met.  That's a sign... when you can't be open enough to talk about something - then it's an issue. Right? 

  I don't know if I should accept the invitation to go to the house church (kind of a study, from way he explained it, in my opinion).  I worry that my motives wouldn't be about God, that my feelings might get hurt too. But there's this thought that keeps ringing in the back of my mind... if you want something different, you have to do something different.

  Hope can be a dangerous thing for me. 

  - - - - - - - - -

  In related news... I have the opportunity to go to  gym (paid in full), BUT...

  There's that BIG BUT (aka excuses!). 

  • But I'm needing someone to go with me consistently a few times a week.
  • And I'm afraid of the pain that is to come.  
  • And I'm afraid of the lack of results (wanting immediate results, I suppose).  
  • And I'm afraid of being inconsistent & not living up to the expectations that I have (and the imaginary expectations of the person who is willing to pay for the gym for me -- they didn't say or imply there are any strings attached).

  Please pray (if you would) that I can overcome the fears, worries, co-dependent need and any other struggles that are keeping me from doing what I need to do for my life.

  • 5:56 pm
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