January 22, 2012

  • In Ellen I Trust

     

    So much on my mind that I feel like it's going to pop.. and if I don't write it down on a notepad & in my blog soon, i know I will forget most of it or let it overwhelm me.

    I think I mentioned that my uncle was going to help me get a very (very) short vocational certificate - or something of the likes - so I could use it to become more valuable, employable, etc... well, I made a poor choice. BUT, thankfully, I was able to receive a 100% refund - and my uncle was understanding, even if they hadn't given me the refund.  I am grateful to both him and the people who gave the refund.  Extremely, extremely thankful. 

    But I'm left with a decision as to what to do now.

     

    I made a list... a list based on my personality & needs.  It came down to 5 things that I know I truly need in a job/career:

        1. Stability.  Something that is consistent in a weekly schedule, unlikely to get cut due to budgets and benefits would be a nice bonus too...
        2. Helping others (or something non-profit, where I get to work for an organization that helps others)
        3. Opportunities for creativity & some diversity in my job duties. 
        4. Financial stability.
        5. Ability to spend time with my son (weekends, etc).

     

    So, that's my list of necessities... now to make a decision based on that list.  The first thing that comes to mind is ESOL (teaching english as a second language).  But that won't work, sadly.   At least not right now... You have to have a bachelor's degree, at minimum, to teach ESOL in the US to adults.   I only have my AA degree.  Sadly, I defaulted on my student loans and have to enter into a repayment plan for about a year in order to get back on good terms with them, so that I can go back to school.  * sigh *  I feel so foolish that I missed submitting some simple paperwork in order to get deferred -- and feel frustrated that they won't consider my current income to allow me to go back into deferment (so that I can go back to school & work on becoming financially capable of paying down my student loans.)  As of right now I'm in a "limbo" status with them right now - having to pay them $20/month - which isn't paying down any of my loan and isn't a part of the 1-year repayment agreement!  Grrr. 

    Perhaps I should try looking into scholarships -- but I don't feel too likely to get enough to pay for a semester of school (most aim towards high school seniors, and definitely aim towards the high achievers... which I am not, sad to say). 

     

    Yesterday, I made an "application" to go onto The Ellen Show. 

     

    Yes, i know that's odd & random me... but I thought if, by chance, she was to pick me - that it would be almost like winning the lottery - helping me go back to school, perhaps helping me find employment (maybe even have the opportunity to live near my son!!), and the likes.  If I was to get picked, I would be so so so happy (nervous as heck that I would have to be on TV... but i would suck it up and get over that, for the opportunities that it would provide for my son and myself.)

    No... I don't trust God to provide these things.  I trust Ellen Degenerous more than I trust God. 

    There. I said it.  I feel lousy saying it.  I hate it... but it's real thoughts.  It's where I'm at.  I feel like God wants me to struggle, to ensure hardship (for the greater good)... and I know he's not about making things easy like that too.  But i know I want what I want.  And I want security and my son.  And I have been working to try to make these things happen (struggling every day) and it feels like He doesn't things move & happen.  Which leads me to think He doesn't have faith in me... that He knows that I would/will fail Him (so I'm not worthwhile).

    Yes... these are the dark, twisted thoughts of Katie -- even if they are misconstrued and wrong... it's the true confessions of a pessimistic, over-thinker, over-analyzer that I am.

     

Comments (4)

  • it would be fun to make it on the Ellen show~ she's hilarious! i hope you get picked for the scholarship.

    i understand about feeling that God doesn't care. that He wants us to struggle and for life to always be hard~
    i've had those same thoughts so many times myself. and this past year, as i went through one of the darkest times of all,
    i feel i really came to a realization that maybe the hard things of life are really His love to me? since He knows best -
    maybe someday i'll look back and see where those things were best. but yeah.. in the meantime, it's hard to wrap my head around that truth at times.

    i don't know if you've heard this song or not, but it's one of my favorites. it says so much of what i feel.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

    just remember you're not alone in your journey of figuring God out and learning to trust Him. :)

  • grace_to_be put it soo well!  Sometimes He just doesn't make sense. And we're all trying to figure Him out and learn to trust Him. Don't have much to add except I will be praying! Let us know how it turns out with the Ellen show!

  • @grace_to_be - thank you for your comment - and I do like that song and had heard it before too.   It's hard to have so much "head knowledge" but know that I don't keep it in my heart (knowing that He wants the best for me, and that the troubles can draw me closer to Him).

    @SealedbyGrace -  thank you so much for the prayers.  You'll hear me screaming with joy if I happen to make it onto Ellen. 

    Thank you both!! ((hug))

  • @a_stuck_creative - keep keeping on, girl!!! :)

    here's to a happy week ahead!!! ~

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