December 6, 2011

• going where?

  I'm struggling.  A lot.  What's new though, huh?

  I found out that I'm a "Dimmer".  Sounds terrific, huh?  I started reading this book lent to me by someone at my work, called "The Energy Bus", and that's how they refer to people like me in the book.  I am only on chapter 7, so I guess I'm not fated to be a Dimmer for the rest of eternity, but for today I know I still am. We'll see.

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  My ex's girlfriend (and likely my ex) found out about the facebook page that I had put together in support of my son and I reconnecting. The girlfriend put a note that she thought I was defaming someone, that I was lying, that I was looking for pity too. I turned the page off, at least for now, with court coming up in January. Yep... we didn't get a court date before Christmas -- to which the girlfriend "liked" when she saw that notice on facebook too.   (I'm still requesting that my attorney be willing to contact my son's father to request that we be permitted a holiday visit anyhow. -- Doubtful that he will agree, of course... even though it would be in his best interest to show that he cared for our son in having contact with both parents  -- and as the law permits too.)

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  I'm ill with myself lately.  It feels every relationship I'm in is mangled.  Not my good friends, at least -- but the one with my mom.  The one with family.  The one with my employer.  The one with my roommates. The one with my attorney.  Ugh.  So, so frustrating.  It allows doubt to creep into my mind... makes me view myself as more of a "dimmer", as a dysfunctional person who can't succeed in anything.  ---> I'm not saying these things so that you (the reader) will say... "Aw, poor Katie... you're fine."  No... you couldn't do that unless you lived/dealt with me or worked with me on a fairly regular basis.... and you don't.

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  I miss Toccoa, dang it.  I miss it like anything.  I miss my doctor and counselor.  I miss my group.  I miss my friends.  I miss my old job.  I miss my house.  And my dog.  I miss the hills. And the autumn up there.  I miss twangy southern accents.  I miss complaining about the lack of civilization in that city (haha).  I don't miss a few individuals that reside there... but other than that - I still miss it so, so much.  I wish I could rewind to before my "stuff" happened ands rewrite history - or fast forward to when my son is 18 and get him to move back up there with me... and let all the present stuff wash away forever.

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  I guess that I do a lot of wishing lately. A little praying too... I've been trying to go to church when I'm off on Sundays. Doing fairly well as of lately - though there hasn't been a church that I've really connected with - or that I feel would be a good match for when my son is going to be having visitation with me again. (That's another worry of mine, to be discussed another time, I suppose).

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  Well... I could complain some more... but I will let you find something let "dim" to go on to now...

  * sigh *

   

  
  

  • 5:58 pm
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