October 6, 2011

  • my anxIety

    The last few days have been plagued with high anxiety.  I hate it.  I, of course, have analyzed the source... things I can't really change or speed up.  Things I can't control.  Some things I could be more proactive about - but right now, the anxiety has been zapping my energy.  I've got to get past these things.  I hate not knowing when, if, what...  

    I hate that I want someone (or many) to truly come help me - in person - with these things.  I know they don't have the time or drive to do these things. 

    I hope the anxiety will get better soon... meaning I hope things will change in my favor, of course, too.

    . . . . .

    Lately, I've been watching tv.  Too much.  Way too much.  I went from not watching any tv for about 18 months to watching several hours a day now.  (Way to accessible, too easy, and a way to avoid the stuff in life that is causing my anxiety too.)

    I've been watching a show on A&E called "Intervention".  I thought they only did shows on people with addiction to drugs/alcohol... but that is not the case at all.  They recently covered an older man who had severe OCD and another young man who had diabetes 1, but because of depression and possible other issues, he wasn't taking care of himself.

    While I'm intrigued deeply by the shows, and they speak to me in a way like the classes I used to attend (they were similar to Celebrate Recovery)  -- it's hard to watch them.  These people have a family and friends who cared enough to intervene (though I know I sought help on my own, which has been undeniably beneficial in my life). 

    I can't seem to shake the deep, deep need for people to meet my emotional needs. To sooth. To "be there". To rescue me. To show me that they deeply care about me, even at times when I don't care about or like me.

    It's a sickness, I know.  I know I can get past it if really work on it -- and I do plan to start into a Celebrate Recovery group in November...

    Will it be enough?

    Doubtful... for me, nothing I do is enough.  Not good enough.  Not big enough. Or it's "too much" for me - and I end up with nothing -- all-or-none or black-&-white thinking.

    I know I have more jumbled ramblings to add to this... but perhaps another time.