September 22, 2011

  • more stuck than ever

    I wish a really loud scream could help me feel better.  Or breaking something.  Or doing something creative.  But I know it wouldn't.

    I wish someone would rescue me. That I would get the right job that would allow me to live closer to my son or just simply be able have him back permanently.  I wish this legal stuff was over.  I wish I could deal better with the time I've lost and the fears I have about the fight I have ahead of me with my son's dad.

    I want to stop smelling like nicotine all over me (I don't smoke, but it's in the home I live in).  Ugh.  And I want to stop complaining about Jerry Springer on tv - and just go do something positive and productive to counteract the crap that he adds to this world.  But I don't feel like I do anything more than add to the drama in the same way that stupid Jerry Springer & Maury Povich does, sometimes. I want things to look a certain way.  I want things to be a certain way. 

    I wish this ugly case of the wishes would go away, because they keep me stuck.  Stuck in a dark corner that I feel like I can't get out of by myself.

     

    I want. I want. I want. 

     

    And I am struggling with letting go of those wants.

    I see all the "I's" in this.  I know more than half the problem is the big ol' ME that I can't stop focusing on.  Me and my belly button.  I know a lot of this has to do with the nurture, safety & unconditional love I missed out while growing up.  And I just have to deal with it.  I can't go back and try to get what I missed.  I have to learn to just cope with things in the here and now.  It's truly harder than you would think, people.

    I remember a time when I wanted to have purpose.  A time I wanted to make a difference.  A time I wanted to change things. Now I just feel stuck in a time of wanting people to be there for me. Wanting them to reach their hands out to pull me out of this mire. But would I even take their hands, if it didn't look like what I thought it should look like - or what I thought I needed?

    I'm tired of being the damn caterpillar trying to break through the cocoon.  Some of them just can't do it for some reason.  Just saying that is scary though. I'm not strong enough to break through the cocoon... but I *am* strong enough to be a mom again??

    I know it's just temporary feelings of the current circumstances that make me feel like saying "I can't".  I hate that my son has to put up with the antics of his dad, the patheticness of his mom.  I worry about how this will shape him for his own future.  Will he be the victim that I so often am, or the cold abusive man that his father is?  Or will God finally help us break the cycle of destructive relationships and patterns?